Another Day

In the name of transparency, here is a little info on who I am and why I am here.

I am 57 and been with the same man for 27 years but only married for 17 of them.  I have been divorced twice and found trusting someone to keep their word to me again to be a very difficult task.  I am a mother to two grown men that I adore, a son that died too soon, an adopted daughter that I adore and grandmother to 3 girls and a boy (to date).

I believe in traditions, honesty, integrity and hard work.  It has always been my belief that if you gain something too easily, you don’t appreciate having it.  Maybe that is why I appreciate everything that I have.. Nothing EVER came easy for me!

I was fortunate to be able to grow up around a HUGE extended family.  Few people today can truly relate to being able to see your great grandmothers on both sides, great great grandmother on dad’s side, aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles and too many cousins to mention!  It was a blessing that I wish everyone could experience in their lifetime.  The history, stories, antics, canning and baking skills and complete feeling of love cannot be replaced.

Unfortunately, my father traveled a lot with his work and we ended up relocating half a world away.  That might not have been such a bad thing except that my mother and father didn’t really like or respect each other and that spilled over into our lives (brother, sister and myself).  We don’t talk much about how it affected us but I know it affected how I lived my life for many years.  Always feeling like I had to make things better to keep peace in the home.

I was fortunate enough to know that my grandmother (dad’s mom) loved me unconditionally and stayed in contact with me.  That was my saving grace.  I will share many stories about her in my future blogs. For the most part, I was always trying to measure up and never quite able to make it. (I am sure there will be stories about that as well.)

I love to cook, draw, sew… oh who am I kidding.  Anything creative seems to call my name.  I love children, reading, traveling and I am an avid photographer.  As soon as I understand this site more, I will start sharing my photos.  I don’t think my grandkids or nieces and nephews would even recognize me if I didn’t have a camera around my neck or in front of my face!

I am a survivor!  I have survived child abuse, the death of a child, death of a parent (and a grandmother who was more like a mother to me), spousal abuse, car accident that no one thought I should be able to survive, and cancer.  That “C” word that everyone hates!  (Including me.)

I have been known as the cheerleader in my circle of friends and try really hard to let everyone I meet know JUST how valuable they are.  Part of that stems from not feeling that way for much of my life.. part of it is just in my genetic makeup.  I love to make others happy.  That is probably why I am always running or assisting in fundraisers, donating time and gifts to those who are less fortunate and volunteering where help is needed.

Now you know a little about me.. And the reason I am blogging??  A couple of reasons come to mind.  One is to share my story so others can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel (even though it may be a VERY long tunnel).. Two.. I would like to share my gifts with others and teach them some of the skills I was taught as a young child.

 

 

It is still worth it!

After a 26 months of wondering when he would leave again and watching him leave and come back 3 times in less than 18 months.. he is home and we are working through the issues.  I know it will never be easy.  That was a given when I said I do (and probably why it took him almost 10 years to get me to the altar).  But I still believe it is worth it.

We seem to live in an era where it is easier to throw things away and acquire new things than it is to repair the old.  This is a fact that truly saddens me.

I was fortunate to be raised in a family that believed that you should trust the “old ways” and keep your promises.  Surrounded by sound marriages that stood the test of time even when it was not what was desired.  Taught the ways of canning, preserving, repairing everything from clothes to the last vegetables pulled from the garden before the frost, even though they were not ripened.

These “traditions” as many friends and family members call them, have seen me through some really rough spots!  When I was a single mom raising two young boys on a very limited budget and no incoming child support, knowing how to can was a life saver!  Knowing how to sew kept my kids in clothes.  Homemade jams, jellies, syrups, pie fillings, soups and relishes were staples in our home and still are.  And there will always be a “stash” of fabrics to make just about anything in my crafting room.

I am 57 now and my kids are grown with kids of their own.  They still know where to come to get their favorite jams, jellies, soups and chow chow.  I love that.  Even my granddaughter is asking to learn how to cook.  She always cooked with me when she was visiting me or I her, but now at the age of 10, she wants to learn how to cook for her mom and brother.  That to me is a wonderful thing to pass on.

I know that many people would rather have a new car, new clothes, fast food, etc., but I am still a strong fan of using what we have and taking care of it.  So I will continue to take those calls, in appreciation, of gleaning the fields after the trucks have picked up what they can.  And I will use those torn, broken, misshapen pieces of fruits and vegetables to stock my freezer and pantry.  I will gladly help out a friend, neighbor or family member with a torn hem, ripped seam or tattered blanket and help them put it back together.

I will continue to make quilts for the new grandbabies in my family and continue to fight and pray for my marriage.. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t easy… It is worth the effort!

 

Will I learn?

Tags

addiction, broken trust, co dependcy, lies, moving on, self help, trust

So I am reading books, and signed up for 2 groups and a therapy session.. Unfortunately, I chose to do this on a holiday week (July 4th) so no one was available.  I tried to convince myself that the action was a positive step and in some ways, I am sure it is.  In other ways, it seems my norm to pick a time when I know I can sign up for something without truly following through.

There is a part of me that seems to want to accept the blame for everyone else’s actions.  A part that still believes all the garbage I was told as a kid.  Not worthy of love, never going to amount to anything….. The list is truly endless and I have put positive statements up all over my house that I have to see from time to time.  These statements are meant to encourage me and remind me that I am a child of God and that I deserve to be happy.

Now.. to actually let it sink in and start believing it.  That is where the problem seems to arise.

Where did these thoughts come from??  Good question!  My husband called me.. Now he has been calling me quite frequently saying he wants our marriage to work. The TRUTH is, he wants me to continue being the doormat I have been for the past 25 years.  He wants me to pretend that he is perfect and has never hurt me and never lied to me and never betrayed my trust by confiding in another woman and taking her side and fighting with me telling me I “just don’t understand what she is going through”.

I tried to explain that as kindly as possible to him tonight.  I have tried in the past but never had much luck.  I realized that I usually was already hurt or angry when the conversations happened in the past so I thought maybe it would be easier when he didn’t have to look at me and we weren’t in an angry place.  I really just wanted him to understand and accept that he hurt me and that I really just wanted an apology.  He got mad and hung up on me.

In truth, that should not have surprised me.  And, I am not sure that it really does.  Though my hope was that he meant what he said about trying to work things out with us.  I told him that we couldn’t make things work when his attitude towards her was still one that she was the victim and I didn’t understand why he needed to protect her.

Even though I tried, very calmly, to explain that it didn’t matter if I understood HER or not, the fact that I had begged him to not continue the conversation and decided to leave and get drunk with her and then come back to OUR house to tell me that he was leaving (while he was drunk and high) was what had hurt me and needed to be addressed.  I needed to be sure that he wasn’t going to do this again.  He not only could not tell me it wouldn’t happen again, but ALSO told me that he didn’t understand why I was upset when he couldn’t even remember the conversation.

I can’t change him.. I know that!  I accept that!!  I just want him to be honest with me and stop leading me on.  If he is going to continue on this path, he needs to be truthful and let me know.  I have said it, written it, even sent a CD with a song that says it!  He still just ignores it and expects me to do the same.  I CAN’T.. Even bigger than that.. I WON’T!!

I need to just STOP taking his calls.  He needs to start accepting his addictive issues and address them.  He says he understands he is an alcoholic so thinks if he quits drinking that will solve everything.. He did that before for 20 years then just started up all over again!  BUT, since he didn’t address the reasons to begin with, just accepted the coins and left, he replaced them with other addictions.  Gambling, spending, drugs.. He didn’t just “quit drinking” he blamed me every day for not being able to.. He even had the nerve to blame me for “giving up cigarrettes” but he was still smoking the entire time!  He blamed me when he gambled all our money away and left me holding the bag explaining why bills didn’t get paid, talking to the bank and making arrangements to pay all the overdrafts.. and to him.. It was all my fault.

I accepted the blame thinking somewhere I must have said or did something that let him think it was ok.. Or that I “deprived” him in some other way that he needed to get his “fix” by doing something harmful (to our finances and his health).

I pray that by going to the group sessions and my therapy sessions that I will figure out why I feel it is ok to punish me when I would NEVER allow anyone I care about to be treated that way.  I need to accept that I deserve to be loved, respected and appreciated! If he can’t do that for me, then he doesn’t deserve me and I need to accept it and move on!

So Who Said Marriage is Easy?

Tags

betrayal, broken vows, commitments, marriage, promises, vows

When I said my vows.. I read them and understood them before I said them to my husband.   I actually wrote my own.  I didn’t want the usual empty promises where someone just says “I Do” whenever and wherever they are told to.. I wanted them to mean something to both of us!  I wanted to incorporate our history and our families into our vows so that everyone would be aware that I was not just making an idle gesture but a true and worthy promise to love, honor and cherish no matter what the circumstances that came our way.

I meant them when I said them, and I mean them today!  So was it easy?  HELL NO!!  Sorry for the verbage but wanted it to be abundantly clear that not one single day has been easy!  I have always been under the impression that anything worth having was worth fighting/working for!

It isn’t easy being a parent, but it is completely worth the lack of sleep and peace to be a mom!  Cannot imagine a better title to have than MOM!  Except I also take my role as wife very seriously.  I honor that title as well.

I felt blessed and terrified when I met my husband.  I had been through 2 very tough divorces and my children were the casualties of war.  I didn’t want to bring ANYONE into their lives without being sure that the person was worthy of their trust and love.  I gave in.. It took a while..almost a full year before my kids and parents and friends met him.  He asked me to marry him and then asked for my kids permission to marry their mom.  I thought it was the cutest and sweetest thing anyone had ever done.  I was hooked.

It still took him almost 10 years to get me to the altar.  I was still very gun shy and had been fooled before.  I was truly scared to go through that pain again.  But when he came to me and said “Do you think we can make this legal before our 10th anniversary?” I said yes and just a few short days later, we were married.. in our yard before our family and friends.

I should have known better when he wouldn’t dance with me at our wedding.. and then after the reception and everyone else had gone home.. he invited his friends to come back to our house and hang out instead of coming home with me (the kids were gone) and consummating our vows.  But I let it go and just figured it was a night to celebrate and that is what he was doing.

Even when we finally got to take our honeymoon (months later) he still wouldn’t even sleep in the same bed with me.. He took off golfing our first day in the hotel, came home “too tired” for anything and the next night.. back off to golf and back home too tired again.  I was seeing a pattern but I had made that promise and I was determined to keep it.

I did everything I could think of to make him happy but it seemed the only thing that truly made him happy was to be away from me and at the golf course.  He tried for a while to convince me that I was important.. and even succeeded for a while.  But recently after taking care of him through 3 major surgeries.. he has decided that he doesn’t need me anymore and he is too old to have to worry about bills and the such and he would rather spend his waking hours on the course.

Great awakening for me.. He left for 6 weeks and then when he came back he promised me that he was willing to make things work and go to counseling and figure out how to be a good husband and get his anger in check.. but when it came down to it.. he decided he just wasn’t “there yet”..

A few days later, he started a fight with me in the morning as I was preparing for work and I told him that I didn’t want to fight with him… We could discuss the real issues when I got home but that I was not going to stay here and listen to him yell at me or threaten me.  So.. when I got home that afternoon… he was gone!  But he was kind enough to leave me a forwarding address and a nasty letter telling me that he left because I didn’t want him around. (Which was a surprise to me!)

Now he wants me to sit around and wait for him to decide if he wants to be married or if he just wants to golf.  But he wants to continually blame me for his mistakes and wants me to fix them.. But he wants to give me nothing in return.

I haven’t given up. (many think I should!) But I am still holding true to my vows.. If our marriage ends, it will not be because I haven’t tried to keep it together, prayed over it, asked for prayers from others and genuinely tried to  do the right thing… If it ends it will be because he refuses to work on it, or come home.

So is marriage easy?  HELL NO!!!